Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
