Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
this is an emotional support booty call
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
