He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
