She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize