I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
