He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize