i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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