i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
