I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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