She tied me up with her honor cords...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
