I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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