She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
