When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
