Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
