I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
