maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just want nice things and good sex
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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