A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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