my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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