Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
