??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
