God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
