omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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