Are we in a gay sports bar?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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