My room smells like vodka and shame
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
