I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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