I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
