I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize