Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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