I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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