When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
