I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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