One girl and one boy is just not enough.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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