I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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