Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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