Don't make out with my wife yet
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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