He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
