Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
