My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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