Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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