I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
