I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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