mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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