I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize