i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
