hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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