I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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