I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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