I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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