i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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