i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
