Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
