Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
