Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
