he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
