He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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