Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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