I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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