at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
