I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
